Tag Archives: verbal abuse

Bad Advice, From Those Who Don’t Know

If you’ve already ended the relationship with your abuser (and even if you haven’t), you’re probably getting all kinds of great comments, like:

  • Now that he’s gone, you should be enjoying life again!
  • Get out there and date/look for a better job/climb Mt. Everest!
  • It’s been a week/month/full moon cycle already. What the hell is wrong with you?
  • If you don’t feel like your old self within a month, you’re depressed and should see a doctor.
  • Take a bubble bath. Get a pedicure. Work out six days a week. You’ll be fine.

Which piece of advice is correct? If you answered, “None of them,” you’re absolutely right.

The New Normal

The truth is that you’re not going to be back to your pre-abuse self really soon. Those people who are expecting you to snap back like a rubber band have no idea what they’re talking about. Here’s why: verbal and emotional abuse cause your mind and your body to respond. When abuse is happening, you’ll instinctively react like you’re being threatened – because you are – and your body will go into fight-or-flight mode. Your adrenal glands (located on top of your kidneys) release cortisol, adrenaline, and a smaller amount of noradrenaline, while neurons in your brain start firing like it’s the Fourth of July. Your heart pounds, your breathing gets more rapid, and your body prepares to flee or begin combat. If you’re in an abusive relationship, this kind of thing happens a lot. Eventually, it will happen even when abuse isn’t actually taking place: when you anticipate your abuser’s arrival, when you’re replaying the incidents in your mind, or when you worry about future episodes. If the abuse becomes chronic or escalates, you’ll probably spend most of your time in a state of chronic, battle-ready stress.

Exhausted and Fried            

Over time, your adrenal glands become overtaxed and pretty much fried. You may very likely develop adrenal burnout. Many abuse targets develop PTSD – which is not just about having flashbacks and nightmares. You feel drained, mentally foggy, and have zero drive and ambition to do all those things you fantasized about while still with your abuser. If you sleep, you don’t sleep well or wake up feeling rested. Maybe you have nightmares, midnight panic attacks, or get up to check the locks one more time. You likely have a spare tire around your waist, despite whatever exercise and dieting you might be able to do. Any stress makes you feel overwhelmed, and your coping mechanisms are on a beach in Tahiti having a Mai Tai. You may feel disconnected from others and emotionally shut down. You zone out during work or routine tasks. You’re unable to follow through on the plans you do make. You wonder what the hell is wrong with you and why you aren’t bouncing back immediately. It’s OK. You won’t – and you don’t need to. Give yourself permission to stop living according to your abuser’s unrealistic expectations (and everyone else’s).

Rules of the Road

  • Be patient and kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a child who has been through a traumatic event.
  • Meditate every day when you wake up and when you go to bed. For instructions, see Martha Beck’s The Joy Diet, chapter 1.
  • Focus on one thing at a time. A pilot friend gave me some great advice shortly after I left my abusive marriage and was floundering in a sea of panic-driven paralysis: “When a pilot knows the plane is going to crash, the first thing he does is take a deep breath and a sip of coffee. Then, he can assess the situation.” Take a deep breath. Take a sip of coffee or green tea or whatever. Figure out what the next thing is you need to do – and do only that.
  • Use Martha Beck’s Three B’s: Bag, Barter, or Better. When your To-Do list is longer than your car, Bag as much as you possibly can. Barter the things you really hate doing (my son and I recently swapped chores because he hates dishes and I hate laundry). Try to make the remaining tasks Better (I burn incense and play “Wallop the Cat” by the Wicked Tinkers when I have to deep-clean my stove, for example. Then, I eat ice cream).
  • Ignore the nasty voices. Next time that critical voice (yours or someone else’s) starts to tell you what you “should” be doing and feeling, tell it, “I’m making good decisions and treating myself well. Shove off!” This takes practice. Keep at it, and eventually you will listen.
  • Lower your expectations. Your “old self” will resurface eventually, but only if you give it time, sleep, good food, exercise, and a lot of TLC. Until then, figure out the three most critical things you have to get done each day – and then quit. Some days, you may only be able to manage one thing. That’s fine, too. Praise and reward yourself for getting it done, and don’t automatically expect yourself to do twice as much tomorrow.

Recovery is a process. Just as your abuser tore you down over a period of time, you will need a period of time to build yourself back up again (fortunately, recovery doesn’t have to last as long as the abuse did). Until then, be nice to yourself – and don’t listen to those who tell you what you “should” be doing.

Claire

Once you’ve decided to leave an abusive relationship there are a few things you need to be prepared for. Because abuse is about control, having the victim leave is threatening for the abuser. A victim leaving is the ultimate loss of control. It’s not something an abuser can cope with and he/she will usually try to regain control of the situation, which can mean a dangerous escalation. It doesn’t mean you should stay and be abused but you should be prepared. Here are the common responses I’ve seen.

The Penitent

The abuser may or may not admit to having a problem but he suddenly becomes attentive and there is a drop in the daily instances of abuse. The changes will remind you of why you entered a relationship with this person to begin with. This can be confusing, as it seems like the abuser is trying to change and save the relationship. Unlike someone who truly wants to change, however, the Penitent will go right back to the abusive patterns as soon as he or she feels secure again. In other words, once you decide to stay and give the relationship another try. The Penitent will often try to woo a victim back after they leave as well.

The hard part of dealing with the Penitent is that you end up leaving while he’s being attentive and wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Don’t wonder. Look at the history of the relationship and keep going.

The Sulker

Guilt is the key to the Sulker. He or she is trying to regain control by making you the bad guy. By expecting child or spousal support you are going to put him on the street. You’re taking the furniture and making him sleep on the floor, even when you’ve split everything evenly. You’re lying and accusing him of things he never did. He or she has done everything to make you happy and there’s just no more he or she can do. You end up feeling like a horrible person. Either that or you want to put him in time out and tell him that whiners don’t get treats.

Each little complaint or accusation the Sulker makes is supposed to trigger your guilt response and make you feel like you are doing something wrong so you will stay and the abuser regains control. Just think of what it will be like to live without someone always trying to make you feel bad and keep going.

The Enforcer

This is the scary one. The Enforcer considers you property. You will leave over his dead body. Any hint of leaving and the abuse gets more intense. The Enforcer may very well escalate into physical violence in order to regain control. If your abuser has ever threatened you with physical harm, it’s likely he’s an Enforcer. Don’t think that because he’s never actually hit you he won’t. Don’t think that because he hasn’t hit you before he won’t land you in ICU the first time he goes that far.

Take every step a woman running from physical abuse has to. Unfortunately many shelters only accept victims of physical violence, so call and ask before you make your plan. You may need project submission until you actually make your move and get out. If that’s what it takes, do it. But get out safely.

Ginny

Here are some precautions to take:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/543

http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/safety-planning-for-abusive-situations.html\

 

As a naïve 20 year old I received a shock in one of my psychology classes. The topic of the day was rape. I knew that ahead of time, it was listed in the syllabus and the professor had warned us that we were going to be covering a difficult subject. In fact the week before he’d invited any students in the room who’d been victims of rape to talk to him before the lecture so he could help them get through the discussion.

My shock came in the first few minutes of the lecture when the professor said, “Rape has nothing to do with sex.” Seriously? How could forcing a person into any sex act not be about sex? The lecture that followed blew my mind. He waited a few moments and went on to talk about sex. It’s obtainable without assaulting someone. Even the most socially awkward person can hire a prostitute for almost any sex act, no matter how strange it is.

Yes, a rapist does get sexual pleasure from the rape. But the pleasure is not just from sex. It is from the act of controlling another person. No matter how good an actress a prostitute is, the fact that she’s agreed to whatever is occurring prevents that feeling of control for the rapist. This is the nutshell version, of course. There are different types of rapists, yes, anyone who watches modern crime dramas has heard about them. But at the core is the control over another person.

Toward the end of the class the lecture moved on to other forms of control. All abuse, whether physical, emotional or verbal, is about the same desire to control another person. It doesn’t necessarily involve the same kind of pleasure a rapist gets, but there is an aspect of pleasure or reward in the feeling of control over another person.

Verbal abuse is not about what the abuser says you did wrong. It’s not about you not being good enough. It’s not about the spilled milk or being late or the fact that you’ve suddenly turned grass green. It’s about the abuser’s desire for the feeling of being in control.

Why is this important? Because it helps you take the control back. Whatever the abuser says or does is not because you spilled the milk, took ten minutes too long on a project, or suddenly turned a brilliant grass green. It’s about something inside the abuser. That desire for control is something he or she needs to work out. You have no responsibility for that desire being there. You are not responsible for filling this desire. In fact, it is harmful to both of you. Remind yourself of this daily, hourly if needed.

Ginny

There’s a problem, but what – or who – is it?

You know something’s wrong. Your spouse/relative/co-worker/boss/friend is “difficult.” Maybe he randomly explodes in anger. Maybe she constantly accuses you of cheating. Maybe your boss puts you down in front of the entire sales floor. In the beginning, you had a great relationship, but now, not so much – and you can’t figure out what you’ve done wrong, or how to avoid setting him/her off in the future.

Let’s call this individual “Person X.”

You wonder if it’s just you – everyone else might think Person X is wonderful. “What a great person,” they gush. “So sensitive and generous. You are so lucky to have a (fill in the blank) like him/her!”

You’ve cruised the internet and the self-help section of your local bookstore, perusing titles like, Getting Along with the Boss from Hell, Saving the Toxic Marriage, and Women Who Love Men Who Behave like Rabid Weasels. You’ve read advice blogs, attended workshops, and tried every suggestion, yet a normal relationship with Person X has completely eluded you and you’re left with a strong desire to hide on a beach in Cancun. Person X may tell you that you are the problem.

It’s Not You

Someone in your life may have used the word “abuse” to describe your interactions with Person X. You, of course, thought, “That’s crazy! Person X doesn’t hit me/hit me all that often/hit me with a closed fist/send me to the ER regularly. He/she can’t possibly be an abuser!”

We’re reluctant to apply the label “abuse” to whatever it is Person X does. There are good reasons for this:

  • We’ve heard the term used often on The Jerry Springer Show, usually in reference to people clad in wife-beater tees and gold chains.
  • We don’t want to think badly about Person X. Abuse is a serious word.
  • Person X has often told us that we are responsible for the behavior or that we abused him.
  • We’re used to Person X’s behavior, so it seems “normal” (kind of like tornadoes, earthquakes, and tsunamis are normal).

Recognizing the Red Flags

Follow the ABC’s – especially if Person X is unleashing several of these behaviors on you. Abusers:

  • Accuse you
  • Blame you
  • Control youby ordering, decreeing, manipulating, threatening and raging
  • Have Double Standards that benefit them (but not you)
  • Have an Entitlement mentality
  • Use Fear to control you (and then blame you for being afraid).

Abusers want power and control over the relationship and over you. Think back to the last time you interacted with Person X in an unpleasant way. What did Person X get out of it? If Person X walks away from the encounter with a clear victory and you lie on the floor emotionally bleeding, wondering, “What just happened here?” it’s a pretty good bet there’s abuse going on.

Trust Your Gut

Finally, pay attention to your reactions. Do you wince every time Person X enters the room? Do you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what sets him off so you can avoid it next time? Do you mentally relax when she leaves town for a few days? If thinking about Person X leaves your stomach tied in knots, your mind in a fog, and your hands sweating, you can be sure there’s something wrong – and that it’s not you. It’s verbal and emotional abuse.

Claire

 

Let me introduce the writers here at On Eggshells.

I’m Ginny. I started out with a psychology degree and have worked with abused women and children in one way or another my entire life, really, including working many years for several agencies in social services. It’s a tough job, with a high burn out rate. When I hit the “I can’t face this anymore” stage I ended up going back to school to get a second degree in Writing to convince hiring types that I can do more than my work history implies.

Claire also needed a new career, and went back to school at the same time I did to get her degree in Writing. We had a whole lot of classes together. We got to be good friends that way and learned each other’s backgrounds pretty well. We both grew up in homes that were dysfunctional, in wildly different ways. You’ll hear more from both of us on that as time goes on.

This blog came about after Claire realized that she was in a verbally abusive marriage. She was working on getting out of the situation and realized that most of the help for abused women wasn’t available unless there was physical abuse involved. That’s when we decided to pool our experience and writing abilities to offer help other people in the same situation.

While we will be talking a lot about domestic verbal abuse and men let me be clear, men are not the only verbal abusers. The same things apply to male victims of verbal abuse. But even in my professional background I have more experience with male abusers and female victims. The reason is that women turn to other women for help in these situations. Men are far less likely to seek help at all, and if they do, they tend to talk to other men. So I’ve never actually had a man just blurt out that he’s in a bad situation and needs help. If you are a guy, verbal abuse against men works the same way. Just switch the gender tags and keep reading.

Neither Claire nor I are using our real names. We will be talking about our lives and experiences in a personal way and don’t really want our families to have to deal with awkward questions. It’s also for safety reasons. I’ve dealt with some scary types over the years of working with domestic abuse. I’ve been stalked by some of them and have been physically attacked when I encountered others in public places. So, for both our safety, we use pen names. Stories or experiences we write about will be real, however. We reserve our fiction writing for other places.